honestly its a good vid, but try cut the length down to 5 mins. Do this by cutting out pointless rants, eg. what you plan to do with you channel. and all the times when your not talking unless your hitting a clip. A good example of this is FaZe Jev he does this typres of vids perfectly and you should follow him by example as I am, Don't be discouraged by him being in FaZe as he is not a generic snper YouTuber.
I would appreciate some criticism on my vids if you have the time thanks. But just to make it clear no one, no matter what YouTuber, no one wants to listen about their plans for their channel unless its going to include the view. JUST TALK ABOUT THE GAME or a life story or any story!